Do You Know a Runner? Duck!

Running causes violence, according to a new report.

Have you ever been twatted in the face by a work colleague while sending an email? Or pushed onto train tracks while waiting patiently behind the yellow line? If you have, the chances are your aggressor has just been jogging.

A new study by Dr Richard Sanderson, a science researcher at the Institute of Scientifics in Romford, suggests that running can cause a person to be violent. In a carefully controlled study, two groups of people were matched according to their ages, height, weight, general health and education levels.

Despite the promise of £3,000 in return for being injected with asthma and given some inhalers, each group only consisted of one person.

The first, identified only as ‘Steve’, was given a room with a TV and a crate of beer, and was asked to enjoy himself for a few hours. The second subject, ‘Colin’, was strapped up to electrodes and made to do intervals on a treadmill with hot ammonia blasted into his face.

After only two hours Colin managed to escape, elbowed a lab technician in the groin, kicked a cat into a fan heater and then yelled a tirade of abuse at the receptionist on the way out.

Dr Sanderson said afterwards, “This is typical of the kind of risk we take every day in the pioneering research we do. My nose will heal, but poor Mavis on reception, I don’t think she had ever heard the C word yelled with such vigour. She will hopefully return to work after a few months on stress leave, but at present she is a shell of the woman she used to be”.

It’s too early to say whether these results mean anything, but not too early to alert the press that all runners should possibly be sectioned and get the Daily Mail comments section kicking off with comments like “Well, they are probably running away from the immigrants.”

So, if you are introduced to a runner and they appear to extend their arm as a greeting, it’s probably a trap. Our advice is to get the first punch in.